You just got rough news from your partner. She wants to separate. Here’s what to do.

okay, maybe it wasn’t, technically, "news"

A man reached out recently for support. He said his wife had given him “the talk.” She was done with the years-long pattern of telling him her grievances, to see him change just enough to calm the system, then returning to the old ways.

It wasn't an ultimatum this time. She said, in no uncertain terms: I’m done, and it’s time for you to leave.

The next time we spoke, he was sitting on a mattress in his new apartment. He said the content of what she said wasn't new, he just didn't realize it was such a big deal.

"I've been married for nine years, we have three kids," he said. "And all of a sudden, she goes crazy."

"If she's gone crazy," I asked, "why are you and I talking on the phone right now?"

Silence. The kind that tells you a man is actually considering the question.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, if this is actually her mental breakdown, why would you be calling me? Wouldn't you be calling her doctor, her family, someone who could help with a crisis?"

More silence. Longer this time.

"Because it's not crazy," he finally said. "She's been telling me for years she's unhappy. I just didn't think she'd actually leave."

There it is. The truth that's been there all along, quietly collecting evidence, waiting to be acknowledged.

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Greetings. I received a request recently to dive deeper into more specific topics and questions here. I loved the idea of offering more targeted support to men who might need it, and also an opportunity for you to get a clearer lens into my work.

So I'll be offering twice-monthly posts—DIVE PRACTICE—that bring in material, context, and questions that have come up in my work, and from you! I won't reveal identifying information about anyone in the stories. Also, I may combine, conflate, or change details for clarity, anonymity, or to make a point.

If this material speaks to you, or you have an idea that you’d like me to explore, please like the post, subscribe, share with those whom this is for. Also, feel free to reach out to me directly. I always love hearing from each of you.

Let's dive in, shall we?

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I know that it's risky to start a conversation so directly, but this man’s response let me know that he didn't actually think she was crazy. It wasn't even the behavior that inspired her asking him to leave. It was her knowing the same old pattern would ensue as soon as she stood up for what she needed. Again.

Relationships are full of patterns, many of which are established within the first few minutes or days of meeting. For example:

• How we navigate each other's desires, discomfort, boundaries

• How we balance attraction to the parts of them we love with the parts we don’t

If you're sitting on that metaphorical mattress right now: This moment—as painful and disorienting as it is—might be the most important opportunity of your life.

Not to win her back. Not to prove how much you've changed. But to finally see the patterns that have been running you—and your relationship—into the ground.

FIRST, MAP THE TERRITORY

• Slow down. Your nervous system is in survival mode right now. You're probably ping-ponging between panic ("I'll do anything to fix this!") and shutdown ("Fuck her, I'm better off alone"). Neither state will help you see clearly.

• Get honest about the warnings. She didn't wake up yesterday and decide to blow up your family. There were signals—probably hundreds of them over time. Conversations where she tried to tell you something was wrong. Moments where she pulled away. Therapy suggestions that you dismissed.

  • Write them down. All of them.

• Consider her perspective. What has it been like to be in relationship with you? Not the version of yourself you aspire to be. Not the version your colleagues see. The actual man who shows up at home. The one who's distracted, or defensive, or absent, or controlling, or whatever flavor of coping you've perfected.

• Own your part. Instead of hating on yourself (or her), try getting real with yourself. What have you been unwilling to see, feel, or change? Where have you chosen comfort over growth? Where have you betrayed yourself—and by extension, her?

THEN, STAY WITH THE DISCOMFORT

Most men I work with want to skip straight to action. They want a plan, a strategy, a way to fix the unfixable. But here's the brutal truth: You can't solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it.

This separation isn't happening TO you. It's happening FOR you.

Your wife isn't crazy. She's done. Done with the patterns. Done with the promises. Done with watching you choose distraction over the relationship.

The man on the mattress told me, "I know I haven't been perfect, but I work hard. I provide for my family. I don't cheat. I’ve never hit her. Why isn't that enough?"

“Honestly, that’s a pretty low bar," I said. “Listen: take ‘perfect’ off the table completely. No one cares about perfect. She’s been asking for your presence, partnership. She’s been asking for a man who can feel his own feelings and hear hers without making it about him."

He was quiet for a long time.

"I don't know how to do that," he finally said.

"That," I told him, "is the most honest thing you've said so far."

NEXT, PRACTICE DIFFERENTLY

If you've made it this far, there's hope. Not necessarily for reconciliation, but for transformation. Here's what to practice:

• Feel your feelings. All of them. The grief. The rage. The shame. The relief (yes, it's normal to feel relief mixed with the pain). Don't numb them with work, alcohol, porn, or fantasy futures. Just feel them, in your body, without the story.

• Listen differently. If she's still willing to talk to you, listen like you've never listened before. Not to form a rebuttal. Not to defend yourself. Not to win. But to understand her experience of being with you.

• Create space. This is counterintuitive, but pressuring her to reconsider or rushing to "fix" things will only push her further away. Give her the space she's asking for. Not as a manipulation strategy, but as an act of respect.

• Don’t put getting back together on your to-do list. I’m serious about this. It’s okay to want it, even to be motivated by it. But really take this opportunity to focus on you, to change whatever wants to change in you, for you. Her approval is not the goal here. In fact, that dynamic is likely part of what got you here.

• Get support. Not from friends who will validate your victim story or demonize her. Not from family who are too invested to see clearly. From men who have done their own work. From professionals who can hold you accountable.

  • Find a men’s group or organization in your area who can support you and your specific struggles. Feel into the container. See if it’s really for you.

    • If sobriety is a priority for you, AA groups can be a life-changing resource.

• Focus on yourself. The most attractive thing you can do right now isn't sending flowers or trying to convince someone that you’ve ‘changed’. It's becoming a man who can sit with his own discomfort without making it someone else's problem. It's developing the capacity to feel without fixing.

  • Listen to podcasts, read books, get physically engaged and fit. Get enough sleep. Establish and stick to a daily practice of challenge and discomfort beyond lifting weights: learn martial arts, breathwork techniques, immerse yourself in cold water for as long as you can.

    • The above bullet point will get its own post soon. Possibly many posts.

FINALLY, RECOGNIZE THE OPPORTUNITY

The man on the mattress has been in my container for three months now. He's still living in that apartment. His wife is still firm about the separation. But something has shifted in him.

Last week, he told me: "I always thought the worst thing that could happen was her leaving me. Now I realize the worst thing was staying in a marriage where neither of us could be honest about what we actually needed. Where I was so afraid of losing her that I couldn't actually see her."

Has he changed fast enough, or thoroughly enough to save his marriage? I don't know. That's not the point. The point is he's finally showing up—not for her approval, but for his own integrity.

Here's what I know for certain: The path forward isn't about becoming what you think she wants. It's about becoming who you've always been beneath the conditioning, the coping, and the fear.

That man—the one who can feel his feelings, speak his truth, and hear hers without defense—that's the man who might, just might, be capable of building something new. Whether it's with her or not.

The invitation isn't to save your marriage. The invitation is to interrupt and change the patterns that made the marriage unsustainable in the first place.

This separation isn't the end of your story. It's the beginning of your reckoning. And that, my brother, is a gift—if you're brave enough to unwrap it.

If you’re still reading this, and see something of yourself here, I’ve written up a kit just for you. It’s an instrument of self-inquiry that includes deeper questions and awareness practices, which you can access here: FIRST FIRE KIT

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If you're in this place right now—sitting on your own metaphorical mattress, wondering how the hell you got here—know that you're not alone. This container exists for men exactly like you. Men who are ready to stop performing and start healing. Men who are done pretending and ready for what's real. Message me if you're ready. You're not too late. You're right on time.