What Makes a ‘Good' Man?

Spoiler: Not Another List

My beloved has been asking me to write about what makes a "good" man. I've resisted, because I know how this usually goes.

We make lists. Traits we admire: solid presence, emotional literacy, integrity. Qualities our partners wish we'd embody: better communication, showing up on time, facing our shame. Attributes our fathers never modeled: vulnerability, patience, the capacity to say "I'm sorry" and mean it.

These lists aren't wrong. They're just missing the point entirely.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

>|<

Here's what I've learned sitting with men for nearly a decade: We're highly trainable creatures. Give us a blueprint for success—whether it's in business, fitness, or "conscious masculinity"—and we'll execute it with military precision.

That's both our superpower and our wound.

Because here's the trap: The same drive that makes us excellent at following protocols and hitting metrics is exactly what keeps us from the real work of becoming.

>|<

Let me be direct: There is only one thing that makes a "good" man, and it isn't on any list.

It's awareness.

Not the performative awareness of knowing the right terms or parroting back what we've learned in men's groups. Not the intellectual awareness of having read all the books on conscious relationship.

I'm talking about the kind of awareness that hurts.

The awareness to:

• Feel how your shutdown impacts your partner

• Notice when you're using spiritual growth to bypass your wounds

• Track your capacity for violence and control

• Witness your inherited patterns playing out in real time

• Stay present when everything in you wants to run

>|<

Don't bother trying to be "kind" until you're aware of how your "kindness" might actually be conflict avoidance.

Don't focus on "protecting" women until you're aware of how your protection might be control in disguise.

Don't work on "holding space" until you're aware of what you're actually holding space for—and why.

>|<

This isn't comfortable work. It's not supposed to be.

But here's what I've noticed: When a man is well-matched—whether with an intimate partner, a men's group, or a medicine path—there's no limit to the depth of awareness he can develop.

The key word is "matched." Because we don't do this work alone. Culture has its way with isolated men. We need relationships that can:

• Mirror our blindspots

• Challenge our stories

• Hold us in our becoming

• Call us toward our edges

• Love us through our mess

>|<

So maybe the question isn't "What makes a good man?"

Maybe it's:

• What are you willing to become aware of?

• What relationships are you willing to let change you?

• What parts of yourself are you ready to feel?

• What stories are you ready to question?

• What edges are you willing to dance with?

>|<

There's no certificate for this work. No finish line. No moment when you can say, "There, I'm a good man now."

There's just the daily practice of expanding your awareness into the next uncomfortable truth. The next challenging relationship. The next edge of your becoming.

And sometimes, in moments of grace, discovering that what you've been seeking was never about being "good" at all.

It was about becoming real.

What's asking for your awareness today?