What, Exactly, is a Men's Group?
it's not what you think it is. it might be what you think it's not.
Men’s groups have a eerie rap. No one quite knows what they are, which makes them suspect, and subject to fear and dismissal—understandable, because many male-exclusive spaces in the past few millenia have created kind of a mess of things.
Welcome. Thanks for reading. In this post, we’ll continue to unpack the most basic elements of Men’s Work, in service to men doing their work to create lasting transformation in their lives and communities.
As always, lean into what resonates, and leave the rest.
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Truth is, participating in a men’s group of the sort I’ll talk about here means looking at the parts of yourself that most humans do not want to look at—yes, that: the one that keeps you from choosing her. The one that keeps you feeling like you’ll never be enough. The part that just wants to explode, run away, hide, or get super big so that for once your dad may actually see you.
Whatever that part is for you, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to be.
You don’t get a gold star when you die for going it alone in this life, either. No one does.
So, if you’re still here with me, pull up a chair, brother.
What is a Men’s Group?
In its most basic form, a men’s group is a quorum of men who share a devotion to becoming less reactive and more aware in their lives and bodies, and who meet regularly to practice together.
Most groups I know of number fewer than 12, and meet weekly or bi-weekly. Although most prefer to meet in person, some meet online or by phone.
While it is common now for friends to simply begin gathering together to talk about feelings and life events, many groups begin in the wake of a men’s workshop, leadership training, group therapy series, immersive retreat, or psychedelic ceremony.*
The purpose of the group often begins as a way to integrate the experience you went through together, and to build skills and awareness around any change that you want for yourself in your life.
Some groups are training grounds themselves, such as the Men’s Circle, which mentors initiates through rigorous accountability practices. These can involve deeply questioning your habits, routines, beliefs, behaviors, and your past, in order to help foster deeper and broader awareness, connection, and transformation.
Past, Present, Future
As far as I’m aware, men’s groups have existed for the purpose of self-development since the 1970s, with a boost in popularity in the early 90s due to the mythopoetic men’s movement (see Robery Bly, Michael Meade, James Hollis, Mankind Project, et al).
Still considered a bit ‘woo' for the mainstream, mentions of men’s groups are still relegated to off-hand comments in dark comedies like Netflix’s BEEF (2023).
Nevertheless, the lively cultural duscussion continues toward more healthy expressions of manhood, masculinity, and patriarchy—which are as distinct from one another as they are from their ‘toxic’ counterparts.
Most humans carry definitions of manhood which have become so intertwined with our identities that it make it really confusing to 1) be a man and 2) to be in relationship with men.
It can even feel dangerous to ask a man, who would you be if you let go all of your ideas about what it is to be a man—and, only over time, in collaboration with all of your relations, including a group of men you trust, let back in only what felt true and real for you, and in service to others?
The answers to questions like these are less important than the fact of the asking. Every discussion we have about masculinity contains seeds of what’s possible for future generations.
So, let’s keep asking the hard questions, and, as Rilke said, learn to be with the questions themselves. Wisdom will find its way through to those who listen.
Men’s Groups Done Well
If you are a man, you’ve probably been encouraged at some point to be more vulnerable—probably by an intimate partner.
(In a future post, we’ll talk about why it’s a really good idea to build your emotional literacy and express your emotions with humans besides your romantic partner(s). Hint: it relieves her of doing your work for you, which clears space in your relationship for much more interesting stuff.)
For many men, it is not helpful (or even anti-helpful) to simply conjure vulnerability. If it was not safe to do a thing in the past, there’s often a good reason you don’t do it now.
A group’s first priority is to work toward building trust between members. You can do this simply by agreeing to show up for meetings sober and on time, then actually doing it.
Building trust can take months, or even years. One important element is to make foundational agreements, like confientiality, honesty, and ownership of your own experience. Then, honor the agreements you make.
Don’t seek to make friends within the group too quickly. Notice the parts of yourself that want to be liked and feel like you belong. Test the waters by naming them, and notice what happens after.
What happens or is talked about during men’s group doesn’t matter
This is hard for some. You’re not here to practice your speaking skills. You’re here to practice being the you who speaks, listens, feels, and responds.
Can you sense the difference?
Everything that happens in group is grist for the mill of your awareness. Each interaction, reaction, and story can reveal aspects of how we relate to others and ourselves.
A great practice to cultivate within the group is how you offer and receive reflections and feedback. Asking consent, clarifying projections, and letting yourself witness another man in his process can bring up revelatory insights about how you move through the world.
I once heard of a group which at each meeting simply sat together in silence until someone spoke. The rule was that whatever was said first must be true, and from personal experience.
Dive In
In my experience, most men crave the structure and connection that being a part of a men’s group offers. “There is a particularly delicious flavor,” a man once said to me after a circle, “about the lack of bullshit in a room full of men.”
But not every man is ready to step into the circle. And that is totally okay with me, because the most important pieces in men’s work—for me—are supporting a strong capacity for self-agency (your awareness for the active role you play in your own internal and external difficulties) and consent (your ability to know what you are available for in any given moment).
We’ll dive deeper into self-agency and consent in future posts.
*Organizations like ManKind Project, Evryman, Mantalks, and Sacred Sons put on regular workshops, events, and trainings for men.
Deeper Questions
Are you in a men’s group, or have ever been? What was your experience?
What has helped your group learn to trust one another? How have you dealt with breaches of trust?
How has the group dealt with big changes, or with stagnation?
How does this work benefit your life and relationships?
Please reply to any or all of these in the comments.