The Question we’re Not asking about Men

Less is More.

While we argue back and forth about "toxic masculinity" and what makes a man a man in 2025, we're missing what men actually need right now.

I work exclusively with men toward increased somatic awareness, trauma healing, clearer purpose, intimate connection. But I spend almost zero energy talking with my clients about masculinity. They don't care about esoteric definitions of universal energies or theories about what masculine means.

What they care about is feeling less alone and more connected.

They want more intimacy and flow with their wives and partners. With their kids. They care about doing work in the world they give a shit about. Work that fulfills their hearts instead of just their bank accounts. They want to manage their stress without numbing out. They feel the weight of growing older and becoming irrelevant in a world they understand less and less every week.

But underneath all of this is something I haven’t seen or addressed directly.

The Father's Dilemma

Every new father knows this experience: the moment his partner's attention shifts almost entirely to the baby. The months of no sex, no intimacy, no being seen as anything other than provider and protector. He watches his wife transform into something beautiful and fierce and necessary, while he's left wondering where he fits.

He's supposed to become more (Provider, Protector, Role Model, Anchor, Teacher) while also becoming less central to the emotional ecosystem of his family. His wife doesn't need him the way she used to. His child doesn't even seem to know he exists most of the time.

The question that haunts him, often unconsciously, is this: How do I stay connected to who I am when everything that made me feel important is changing?

Most fathers handle this by throwing themselves into work, becoming the Ultimate Provider. Others retreat into hobbies, porn, alcohol. Some get resentful and demand their old place back. A few just vanish.

But there's another way through this transition, one that most men never learn:

• How to lose centrality while maintaining dignity

• How to step back without disappearing

• How to support from the edges while staying connected to your center

James, a regular in a men’s group I lead, described it to me like this: "I realized I was either trying to be the hero or I was completely checked out. I didn't know how to just be present.”

Beyond Fatherhood

This dilemma extends far beyond new parenthood. It's the challenge facing men across our culture right now.

For generations, masculine identity was built on being central—the breadwinner, the decision-maker, the one whose voice mattered most in the room. That world is dying, and good riddance. But we haven't taught men how to navigate what comes next.

Watch what happens when a man loses his job, or his wife starts earning more money, or his teenage kids stop looking up to him, or his industry gets disrupted by technology he doesn't understand. The same pattern emerges: either desperate attempts to reclaim centrality or complete withdrawal.

This isn't about men being victims. It's about a practical problem that requires practical solutions: How do you maintain your sense of self when the external markers of that self are disappearing?

The men I work with are living this transition in real time. They're watching their wives become more confident and independent. Their kids are being raised with different values than they were. Their workplaces are changing faster than they can adapt. The culture is moving past them in some fundamental ways.

And they're asking, without always naming it:

• How do I stay relevant without trying to control?

• How do I contribute without dominating?

• How do I matter when I'm no longer the center?

Learning to Step Back Without Disappearing

Michael came to me after his wife started her own business and became the primary breadwinner. "I should be proud of her," he said. "And I am. But I also feel completely lost. If I'm not the provider, what am I?"

Over months of working together, Michael learned something crucial: presence is more valuable than control. You can be important to your family without being the main character of every story. You can support without controlling.

In fact, the best leaders are those who are most present and tuned in to their people and their collective purpose.

The shift happened slowly. Michael stopped trying to be the expert on everything and started being curious instead. When his wife talked about her business challenges, he listened without trying to solve them. When his kids came to him with problems, he asked questions instead of giving answers.

"I realized I'd been confusing being needed with being useful," he told me. "Now I feel more connected to my family than I have in years, even though, or maybe because, I'm not trying to be everything."

The Real Work

This isn't about accepting defeat or diminished importance. It's about learning a different kind of strength—one that doesn't depend on dominance or control.

The men who navigate this transition well learn to:

• Find purpose that doesn't require being the center of attention

• Support others without needing to be needed

• Maintain their sense of self even when external roles shift

• Stay present without trying to control outcomes

• Build intimacy through vulnerability rather than performance

This requires skills most men were never taught:

• How to track what's happening in your body when you feel irrelevant.

• How to stay connected to your own values when the world seems to be moving past you.

• How to be with discomfort without trying to fix it or escape it.

The Question

Since before #MeToo, we've been watching the death rattles of male privilege and the slow crumbling of patriarchal structures. What's actually happening is a shift of the world's attention elsewhere.

And that brings us to the real question we should be asking about men: How do we lose power and status in the world and keep our dignity?

Not: how do we get our power back.
Not: how do we adapt to new definitions of masculinity.
But how do we move through this transition with grace, staying connected to what actually matters, while letting go of what no longer serves?

This is the work. Learning to be important without being central. Learning to contribute without controlling. Learning to matter in ways that don't depend on dominance.

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If you're navigating your own version of this transition—in fatherhood, in your career, in your place in the world—and want support staying connected to what matters while everything shifts around you, we should talk.

I work with men one-on-one through this territory, often walking together in the woods, sometimes working with our hands in my woodshop. We explore what it means to step back without disappearing, to support without controlling, to find your place in a world that's moving past old models of masculine importance.

If this resonates and you're ready to explore what's possible, reach out: sean@seantalbeaux.com

Author’s Note: I used Claude AI to help with the structure and flow of this post. I know many of us are more alert to the voice and style of AI, maybe even allergic to it. For me, I’m in service to the message I believe in and represent, and am also father to a toddler. So I’m choosing to the use the tools available to reach out to and potentially help those who might benefit. Thanks for understanding.