Learning to Trust the Dark
and other lessons from the chrysalis
Have you ever noticed how desperately we grasp for clarity when everything feels uncertain?
When the old way isn't working anymore, but the new way hasn't revealed itself yet, most men do one of two things: either force a direction or completely check out.
What if there's another way?
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Last week in circle, Adam shared about leaving his high-powered tech job. "Everyone keeps asking what's next," he said, voice tight with anxiety. “All I know is that I need to leave.”
The other men nodded. We all know that pressure—to have the answers, to know the way forward, to be certain.
But what if the not-knowing is exactly where we need to be?
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Think about the caterpillar entering its chrysalis. It doesn't have a blueprint for becoming a butterfly. It doesn't even know that's what's happening. It simply surrenders to a process of complete dissolution.
The medicine, whether a psychedelic journey, or our soul just doing its thing, often shows us this same truth: Sometimes we have to let ourselves be unmade before we can discover what we're becoming.
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Three Practices for the Chrysalis
The Sacred Pause
When the urge to figure it all out arises:
Notice the impulse to grasp
Feel where that lives in your body
Breathe into that space
Ask: “Is it okay to not know right now?"
The Patience Practice
Each morning, sit for five minutes and:
Feel your body's weight
Notice what's trying to emerge
Don't try to shape it
Just witness what's already moving
The Trust Walk
Go for a walk, preferably on the earth but even sidewalk will do:
Walk slowly, eyes soft
Notice what draws your attention
Follow those pulls without agenda
Let your body lead
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"But what about responsibility?" you might ask. "What about my family, my obligations?"
Yes, there are bills to pay. Yes, there are people counting on you. But consider this: What if your highest responsibility right now is to trust this process of becoming?
What if forcing clarity before its time actually prevents the deeper knowing from emerging?
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Here's what I've learned sitting with men in their chrysalis moments:
True clarity doesn't need to be grasped. When it arrives, it arrives with a quiet certainty that doesn't need to convince anyone. It stands on its own.
Until then, our work is simply to:
Stay present with the uncertainty
Keep our hearts open to what's emerging
Trust the intelligence of the process
Remember we're not alone in this
The medicine teaches us this again and again: The mystery knows what it's doing. Our job is to get out of its way.
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Questions for the Journey
What's dissolving in your life right now? What wants to emerge but isn't quite ready? Where are you grasping for premature clarity? Who can witness you in this becoming?
Remember: The chrysalis doesn't need to know it's becoming a butterfly. It just needs to surrender to the process.
What's asking for your surrender today?
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Sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is wait in the darkness, trusting that what needs to emerge will emerge in its own time.
This too is men's work.