How Do You Know?
a simple, powerful intimacy practice for men
A couple of posts back, I said that we were going to take a deep dive into psychedelics. I intend to follow that track, but this week I want to offer a practice better to do while NOT on psychedelics.
The following practice stands on its own as potentially one of the most powerful exercises any man, regardless of sexual orientation, may ever do.
If you engage with it, this practice will grow you. It will fundamentally change your relationships. It will change how others see you. It may connect you in ways you’ve never felt connected.
It may make you trustable in ways that you may want to honor.
There are no right or wrong answers here—just honest ones.
Before we dive in, a little context:
What began as a stroll down memory lane during an otherwise boring day of Vipassana meditation in 2015 turned me inside out, made me question who I was and why I was on this planet.
Over the next few months, it became one of the most powerful, cathartic, and ultimately healing practices I’ve ever done.
What I walked away with shone a spotlight on the ways I was taught to be a man in the world. It fundamentally changed my relationship with sex and intimacy. I felt at once more connected to women, and also more aware of the ways my presence and choices could impact them.
Although it also brought up shame and uncertainty, it was in learning to be with those that helped me want to live, love, and communicate from a deeper place within myself.
Most importantly, this practice taught me that I can never really know what’s happening for someone else, ever.
So, it’s helpful to ask—and to really tune in to the answer, even if it doesn’t arrive in words.
The Practice
Make a list containing every single instance of intimate and/or sexual contact you’ve had with anyone—ever.
Write down names, dates, places, context, your relationship to them, inebriation level, and anything else you remember about the experience.
Ask yourself whether or to what extent you consented to what happened.
Did you want that?
How do you know?
Are you sure?
Ask yourself whether or to what extent the other person(s) consented to what happened.
Did they want that?
How do you know?
Are you sure?
That’s it.
The real work of this practice is not, of course, in the making of a spreadsheet.
But that might be a good place to start.
Blessings, and good luck.
If you found this practice helpful, please let me know in the comments, like and subscribe.
Blessings.